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Coffee Break Chuckles - Printable Version

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Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-08-2011 02:21 PM

All taken from Court reports in Canada. Apparently some of their lawyers aren't quite as bright as they look.
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
It's the same one I've had all my life.

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?

How long have you been a French Canadian?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, sir.
And did you take your new wife?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
That's me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Yes.
What were you doing at that time?

Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?

Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.

All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Oral.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! Big Grin


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-13-2011 01:53 PM

Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.Tongue


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-13-2011 03:16 PM

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-15-2011 06:01 PM

A middle aged man stopped me in the hallway of our block of flats the other day and asked me if I would go into his flat and check if his wife was dead or not.
I said 'Why would you think that?'
He said ' Well, the sex is the same but the washing's beginning to pile up' Huh


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-20-2011 09:02 AM

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-21-2011 04:50 PM

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-25-2011 08:04 PM

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years.":


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 04-27-2011 05:16 PM

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.Tongue


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 05-04-2011 09:54 AM

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears." Big Grin


RE: Coffee Break Chuckles - bizitalk - 05-06-2011 09:11 AM

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
Huh